visitor
Most people will tell you that there were only four members of the rock super-band Led Zeppelin---the truth about the group has been closely guarded by an elite "inner circle" for nearly 30 years now, but since bits of rumour regarding this subject have begun to surface (most notably on the Led Zeppelin For Badgeholders Only mailing list), I feel it is now time for the whole shocking story to be made known.
JOHN PAUL JONES
As all you who have watched The Song Remains The Same know, Zeppelin's bass guitarist, John Paul Jones, seems to be involved in some sort of weird fashion show---changing his clothes multiple times during various songs. The speculation is that this---in addition to the fact that his hair styles were also constantly changing from one publicity shoot to the next; not to mention the sheer magnitude of the number of musical instruments he was proficient with, and the many "hats" he wore (musician, composer, lyricist, arranger, recording engineer, etc.)---points to a plethora of JPJs---at least 4, to be exact.
ROBERT PLANT
Any Zeppelin fan will tell you that Plant's voice not only changes from album to album, but also from one tour to the next. The explantion for this---as proposed by an FBO list-member---is that there were, in fact, 3 "Robert Plants" over the course of Zeppelin's hey-day. The first was the "real" Plant, who was replaced by his twin brother Harold, when Robert's voice gave out during the 1973 tour. Since Harold looked and sounded similar to Robert, the fans were fooled by this deception, and the band continued without a hitch. This did not last, however, as Harold had an identity crisis, and had to be replaced before he wigged out on-stage. This opened the door for a long-time Zep fan (and Plant look-alike) named Bradley. Bradley admired Zeppelin and Plant so much, that he had practiced sounding like Plant, had affected Plant's mannerisms to a tee, and even had plastic surgery in order to look more like his hero. Bradley lasted through Presence, by which time the "real" Robert decided to return to Zeppelin. Bradley was ousted, and the "real" Robert returned for In Through The Out Door---however, his voice was still not up to par. Because of this, and the fact that all 3 "Plants" wanted to be Zep's lead singer, it was decided to end the band's career permanently.
JIMMY PAGE
As we all know, Page was/is a veritable wizard in the studio---mixing, editing, and just generally giving Zeppelin recordings that special, unique "Zeppelin sound." We also know that his wizardry extends to his guitar playing and musical composition. However, it is also quite true that Pagey has had his ups and downs---both as a guitarist, and as an engineer. Then of course, there are the subtle differences in his appearance over the years---differences which cannot be explain by aging, and weight-gain alone---and the not-so-subtle change in his in-concert fashion garb (from the rock god in TSRTS to the undertaker in UnLedded). Ever wonder why?
JOHN BONHAM
First, let me state the obvious---there was only ONE Bonzo. Having said that, there are however, rumours regarding Zeppelin's one and only drummer---one rumour actually, although the supposed circumstances vary. It seems that Bonzo has been sighted, alive and well, in many locations around the world. It also seems that these sightings tend to occur most frequently when one of the other members of Zeppelin happens to be visiting that location---coincidence? Or is there, perhaps some other, as yet unknown, explanation?
These are the rumours and speculations which will be addressed here, and I promise you---you will be told the whole shocking, unexpurgated story of the conspiracies which make up the history of Led Zeppelin! If you do not wish to have your view of Zeppelin changed forever, you definitely should NOT continue to read this. On the other hand, if you want to hear the story behind the legend that was Led Zeppelin, do continue---enlightenment is finally at hand....
A few months back (June 1998, to be exact), I happened to be on holiday in the Carribean. Everything had been going well---which is to say that my days had been spent marked by sheer laziness by the sea, and my nights had been taken up with the usual "tourist parties" at the local hotels---until, that is, the day I met that certain other "tourist," with whom I shared drinks and a beach umbrella on one long, fateful afternoon.
I noticed him nearly as soon as I arrived on the beach that day, and after a few banana daiquiries, I got up enough nerve to approach him and introduce myself (having earlier sent him a drink, with my compliments)---whereupon he invited me to join him, as a fellow Brit. After a bit of desultory gossip about home politics (he was particularly interested in Lord Sutch's latest run for Parliament), the World Cup finals, and the European music scene, I could restrain myself no longer, and blurted out that he looked uncannily like the drummer from Led Zeppelin. He then gave me a very hard glare, and began to rise. I jumped up, stood in front of him, and swore on my honor as an Englishman that I would keep his secret, if only he would tell me how and why he was sunning himself on a beach in the Carribean when all the world believed him dead for nearly two decades. He stared at me for a moment, then nodded and returned to his deck chair---inviting me to do the same---then ordered refills for us both, before he began to speak.... What follows is the story he told me that day on the beach. Although I swore to keep all he said secret, in light of the current rumour and speculation running throughout the Zeppelin community, I feel sure that he would both understand and approve of my disclosure.
"Alright then, the truth about Led Zeppelin....well, the first part's pretty much right---about how we got together, and all---about the end of the 1970 tour, Robert wanted to quit---he said his brother Harold could do it, so we gave him a try, and he took over on vocals. Then, things were fairly normal up until about 1973. That's when it all started gettin' crazy---got the Starship, Pagey sprained his finger, started filmin' concert footage for the movie, and got bloody robbed in bloody America. When the tour finished, we were finished, and Jonesy wanted out.
Well, we had been usin' what they call stand-ins during the filmin'---found a couple of boys who looked enough like Jonesy to pass on stage, and this roadie'd get up there every once in a while, and "do" Harold. Pagey had a brother, too, but he wasn't that good a guitar player, so we let him fiddle around with the sound. Me...well, it was always just me up there---no brothers, sisters, or others to draw a sub from. Anyway, back to 73---like I said, that's when things started going bad. Jonesy wanted out after that tour, and so did Harold---so we let 'em go. A guy named Jerry took over on bass---really big into synthesizers, but a pretty decent composer. And Robert came back in his old spot. Didn't tour again till 75---that was so Jerry and Robert could get used to the whole Zeppelin thing---what it had become---before hittin' the stage. Then came that bloody car wreck---pretty much ended it for Robert right then and there---got a taste 'o' mortality, and decided to chuck it all, not that I blame him. We talked him into stayin' around for the next album and tour, but then his boy died, and that ended it---he wasn't tourin' any more for anybody.
So---back to Harold. By the time we got round to In Through the Out Door, Harold was off his flippin' mind---these days they'd call it an "identity crisis," I guess---so we had to replace him with that roadie I talked about earlier. His name was Bradley, and as loony as they come---even had surgery to look more like Robert and Harold. By this time, we were on our third Jonesy, and Pagey wasn't doin' too hot, either, so we stuck his brother Thomas in---he'd been practicing guitar, and could pass for Pagey on a "sloppy" day. Thomas couldn't write, though, which is why "Jonesy" has so many credits on that album. By this time, I was ready to just say,'Sod it!' and quit, myself---never knew who the hell I'd be gigin' with, what with all the "Roberts," "Jonesys," and "Pageys." I told Peter I'd stay round till Knebworth, but after that, I was history---wanted to spend time with the wife and kids, and have a life---maybe hit the skins at the pub on a Saturday, but no more Zeppelin. Then, right before we were scheduled to start the 1980 US tour, I got hit with an incredible tax bill, and that was the final straw. Besides, Bradley was getting so looney, we had to lock him up more than once, the third Jones was becoming insufferably "artsy," and neither Thomas or Jimmy were doin' too well.
So we decided it was time for Zeppelin to die, and Peter had already figured out how. There was this one particular bootlegger that Peter hated, and he decided to invite the guy over for drinks, and to meet "the boys." This guy got into a drinking contest with "Robert"---actually, all three of them---and ended up dyin' of alcohol poisoning---poor sod never had a chance. Peter got his revenge, I got safely out of the country, and the band got dissolved. Since then, Robert decided to start recording and touring again, Harold changed his name to "David Coverdale" (not to be confused with the other singer of that name---he's the guy who was really found dead on Elvis' toilet) and also started a band, and Bradley became the lead singer for Dread Zeppelin. Both Robert and Harold have recorded with Jimmy off and on over the years. After Thomas recorded Outrider as "Jimmy Page," Jimmy finally got off the drugs, and made a deal with Thomas---Jimmy would be the musician and Thomas could do all the engineering, and they would share the name and the paychecks.
As for all the "Jonesys," I'm not sure exactly what the others are up to---although I believe one of them changed his name, too, and started The Alan Parsons Project. The real Jonesy has been looking for UFOs for the past 20 years, and the second Jonesy is getting ready to go on tour sometime in the near future. And me---I spend most of my time in the UK---ever wonder why Pat has never remarried? I am still trying to teach Jason the proper way to hit the skins---boy has as thick a head as I ever did---and I occasionally sit backstage at his concerts. I've also checked out a few of the "Page & Plant" concerts, but I have to put on a disguise, and pretend I'm one of ZZ Top---those fake beards get awfully itchy after a while---but it's nice to see the boys out there jammin". We try to get together once a year, or so, to do a little giggin' and to pick up me royalty checks---that's what I'm doin' here now---arranged to meet Pagey here on his 'short vacation' after some of the US dates to make a nice little deposit in one of these friendly little banks down here. He's asked me to come and play at this 30th anniversery gig they're cookin' up for next year---says Jonesy'll be there too, if they can pull him away from his UFOs long enough....Well, that's it then....The story of Led Zeppelin.
Not what you'd expected, is it? By the way, I believe it's your round to buy..........."